Overcoming Compulsive Lying – by Pheonix Rising
Compulsive lying and narcissistic behavior are survival mechanisms that feel protective in the moment they help you avoid shame, maintain control, or protect a fragile sense of self-worth. But over time, these patterns destroy relationships, undermine your credibility, and isolate you in ways you might not even recognize.
If you’re reading this, you may be:
• Someone who lies reflexively, even when the truth would serve you better
• Someone who struggles to feel genuine empathy for others
• Someone who avoids accountability by deflecting, minimizing, or blaming
• Someone whose relationships consistently fall apart because people can’t trust you
• Someone who’s been told you’re “selfish” or “self-centered”
The good news:
These patterns are learned behaviors. And learned behaviors can be unlearned.
This guide is rooted in Caribbean wisdom the hard-earned knowledge of people who’ve built resilient communities through honesty, accountability, and genuine connection. Let’s begin.
Why We Lie and Minimize Empathy?
The Root of Compulsive Lying
Compulsive lying isn’t about evil; it’s usually about fear
People who lie compulsively often:
• Fear being exposed or judged
• Learned early that telling the truth brought punishment
• Struggle with shame and use lies as a shield
• Believe that their truth won’t be accepted, so they create a “better” version
• Use control (through lies) to manage unpredictability in their environment
• Never learned that vulnerability is safe
Caribbean Proverb:
“A rooster that crows lies goes to sleep wondering which morning it won’t wake up.” Translation: Lies require constant maintenance. Eventually, you lose track of what’s real.
The Root of Narcissistic Behavior
Narcissistic behavior isn’t about love of self; it’s usually about fear of insignificance.
People who display narcissistic traits often:
• Crave validation because they feel fundamentally unworthy
• Lack genuine empathy due to trauma, disconnection, or learned self-protection
• Use grandiosity to compensate for deep shame
• Cannot handle criticism because it triggers their core fear of being “not enough”
• Struggle to see others as separate from how they serve their needs
• Were either over-valued (“You’re special, rules don’t apply to you”) or under-valued (“Your feelings don’t matter”)
Caribbean Proverb:
“When the branch grows too high and forgets it’s connected to the root, it wilts.” Translation: Narcissism disconnects you from genuine connection and interdependence.
The Problem: What Compulsive Lying and Low Empathy Cost You
Immediate Costs:
• Relationships don’t deepen
Real intimacy requires vulnerability and truth.
• People don’t trust you
Even when you tell the truth, it’s questioned.
• You can’t be truly known
You’re always managing an image, never being real.
• Stress and anxiety increase
Maintaining lies is exhausting mental work.
Long-Term Costs:
• Isolation
People eventually realize they can’t count on you and drift away.
• Self-contempt.
Deep down, you know you’re not being honest, and that creates internal conflict.
• Loss of opportunity
Employers, partners, and communities won’t invest in someone they can’t trust.
• Generational impact
Your children learn these patterns and repeat them.
Caribbean Proverb:
“The hand that plants bitter seeds will not harvest sweet fruit.”
Translation: Your behavior creates consequences that come back to you.
Step 1: Acknowledge the Pattern Without Shame The First Honest Thing
You cannot change what you won’t acknowledge. This requires saying (at minimum to yourself):
“I lie compulsively. I do it automatically, even when I don’t need to. I use it to protect myself, to control situations, to avoid judgment. This isn’t working anymore.”
This isn’t about self-condemnation. It’s about clear sight.
Notice Your Triggers
When do you lie? Track it:
• When you’re scared of judgment
• When you fear disappointing someone
• When you want to look better than you are
• When you’re about to be held accountable
• When you feel insignificant
• When someone questions you
• When the truth feels vulnerable
Write these down. See the pattern. Understanding when you lie helps you interrupt the pattern.
Why This Matters
Caribbean Proverb:
“Yuh cyaan fix what yuh cyan’t see.”
Translation: You can’t fix what you refuse to acknowledge. Sight comes before change.
Step 2: Develop Genuine Accountability
What Accountability Actually Means
Accountability is NOT:
• Punishment or self-flagellation
• Confessing to make yourself feel better
• Excessive apologies that expect forgiveness
• Blame-shifting disguised as accountability
Accountability IS:
• Seeing the truth of what you did
• Understanding the impact on others
• Taking responsibility without excuse
• Making amends where possible
• Committing to different behavior
Practice Accountability in Small Moments
Start here, not with big confessions:
Scenario: You said you’d call someone and didn’t.
Non-accountable response: “I forgot. I was busy. My phone died.”
Accountable response: “I said I’d call and I didn’t. That wasn’t okay. I let you down. I’m going to be more reliable.”
Notice the difference? One makes excuses. One owns the impact.
Tell One Truth You’ve Been Hiding
Not the biggest, scariest lie. One truth that’s been sitting heavy on you. Tell it to:
• A therapist or counselor
• A trusted person who’s earned your trust
• Or write it in a journal if human connection isn’t safe yet
Experience what happens:
• The sky doesn’t fall
• You don’t die of shame
• Usually, people are more accepting than you feared
• You feel lighter
Caribbean Proverb:
“The heavy load drops off when you finally put it down.”
Translation: Carrying lies is exhausting. Truth, even hard truth, is relief.
Step 3: Build Genuine Empathy
Understanding Empathy vs. Sympathy
Empathy:
The ability to genuinely feel and understand another person’s emotions and perspective as real and valid—separate from whether they serve you.
Sympathy:
Feeling sorry for someone while maintaining emotional distance.
Many people with narcissistic traits have sympathy (“That’s sad”) but lack empathy (“I can truly feel how that hurt you, and that matters”).
The Empathy Practice: Perspective-Taking
Choose someone you’ve hurt or dismissed (Not their feelings—their actual hurt.) Ask yourself:
• What did they lose or experience?
• How did my action affect their day, their week, their trust?
• What did they need from me that they didn’t get?
• If someone did this to me, how would I feel?
• Can I sit with the discomfort of knowing I caused pain without defending myself? Write about their experience, not your intentions.
This is hard because it removes you from the center of the story. That’s the point.
Small Empathy Practices
1. Listen without planning your response
Just hear what someone says.
2. Ask “How did that make you feel?” and actually listen
Don’t explain why they shouldn’t feel that way.
3. Notice small moments:
Someone looks sad. Someone’s struggling. Someone needs help. Do you notice? Do you care, or just move on?
4. Practice:
Seeing people as whole beings with lives outside of how they relate to you.
Caribbean Proverb:
“Every hen knows how heavy her own egg is.”
Translation: Everyone’s carrying weight you can’t see. Empathy is recognizing that weight.
Step 4: Interrupt the Automatic Lie
When You Feel the Urge to Lie
STOP and use this pause:
1. Notice it: “I’m about to lie right now. I can feel it.”
2. Ask why: “What am I afraid of? Judgment? Rejection? Looking bad?”
3. Consider the cost: “What will lying cost me? Will it maintain the connection, or damage it?”
4. Choose differently:
o State a partial truth: “I don’t want to talk about that right now.”
o Say “I don’t know”: It’s an acceptable answer.
o Tell the truth: “I messed up. I did X, and that wasn’t okay.”
o Ask for time: “Can I think about this and get back to you?”
The 5-Second Rule
When you’re about to lie, pause for 5 seconds. In those 5 seconds:
• The urge to lie often passes
• You can form a truthful response
• You remember why honesty matters
Caribbean Proverb:
“Man cyaan run from him own shadow, so better him turn around and face it.” Translation: You can’t outrun the consequences of dishonesty. Better to face it head-on.
Step 5: Rebuild Trust Through Consistent Honesty Small Commitments, Kept Consistently
You can’t rebuild trust with grand gestures. You rebuild it with small, repeated honesty:
• Saying you’ll call and calling
• Admitting when you’re wrong, even in small things
• Following through on promises
• Being honest about your limitations
• Admitting when you don’t know something
Do this consistently for months. Not weeks. Months. Trust rebuilds slowly. Transparency About Your Pattern
If you’re in a relationship or community where your dishonesty has damaged trust, consider saying:
“I know I’ve lied to you before, and I’ve given you reason not to trust me. I’m working on being more honest. I might mess up, but I’m committed to telling the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable. I understand if trust takes time to rebuild.”
This isn’t asking for forgiveness. It’s informing people of your commitment and giving them realistic expectations.
Accept That Some Relationships Won’t Recover
Some people won’t trust you again. That’s a consequence of your past behavior, and you have to accept it. You can be different going forward, but you can’t control whether people believe you’ve changed.
Caribbean Proverb:
“It takes time for the river to clear after it’s been muddied.”
Translation: Rebuilding takes time. Patience is part of the process.
Step 6: Develop Authentic Self-Worth
The Root of Narcissistic Behavior: Fragile Self-Worth
Narcissistic patterns often grow from:
• Childhood where your worth was conditional (only loved when successful/compliant/silent)
• Trauma where you had to maintain a false self to survive
• An environment where vulnerability wasn’t safe
• Learning that your genuine self wasn’t acceptable
When self-worth is fragile, you constantly need external validation. Lying becomes necessary to protect the image.
Building Real Self-Worth
Real self-worth isn’t built on:
• What others think of you
• Your accomplishments
• Your image or status
• How many people admire you
Real self-worth is built on:
• Knowing you’re a person of integrity
• Keeping promises to yourself and others
• Acting in alignment with your values
• Taking responsibility for your impact
• Treating people with honesty and respect
• Doing what’s hard because it’s right
This is slow work. But it’s solid work.
The Practice: Values-Based Living
Choose three values that matter to you Not what should matter what actually does. (Examples: honesty, loyalty, growth, family, contribution, justice)
Every day, ask: “Did I live in alignment with these values today? Did I make choices that reflected what I actually believe?”
When you live aligned with your values, you don’t need narcissistic supply. You feel genuinely okay.
Step 7: Get Professional Support
Why Therapy Isn’t Weakness
Compulsive lying and narcissistic patterns are usually rooted in:
• Childhood trauma or neglect
• Learned survival mechanisms
• Unresolved shame
• Anxiety or attachment issues
These respond to professional help. A therapist can:
• Help you understand where these patterns came from
• Teach you new coping skills
• Create a safe space to practice vulnerability
• Help you build a genuine connection
• Address underlying issues (anxiety, trauma, low self-worth)
What Type of Help to Seek
• Individual therapy: To understand your patterns and rebuild self-worth
• Group therapy or support groups: To practice honesty and empathy in community
• Relationship therapy: If you want to repair connections with people you’ve hurt
In the Caribbean Context
Mental health stigma is real in Caribbean communities. You might face:
• “Just pray about it.”
• “Don’t tell anyone, it’s shameful.”
• “You’re too proud/arrogant for help”
Truth: Getting help is a strength. It shows you’re committed to change.
The Daily Practice: Your Commitment to Change This Week
1. Notice your lies
Don’t change anything yet. Just observe when and why you lie.
2. Tell one truth
Something small that you’ve been avoiding saying
3. Listen to one person fully
Don’t think about yourself. Just listen
This Month
1. Interrupt one automatic lie
When you feel it coming, pause and tell the truth instead.
2. Admit one mistake clearly
“I did this. It wasn’t okay. I’m responsible.”
3. Follow through on one promise
All the way. No excuses.
This Year
1. Rebuild trust in one relationship through consistent honesty and follow-through.
2. Establish a therapy or counseling relationship to understand your patterns.
3. Live according to your values in increasing areas of your life.
Caribbean Wisdom for the Journey
Proverbs to Remember
“Drunk man cyaan’t teach sober man no lessons.” Translation: You can’t fake your way through this. You need to actually change.
“The crab that goes backward never reach anywhere.” Translation: Defensiveness and blame keep you stuck. Forward is admitting the truth.
“Who feel it, know it.” Translation: Only you know the heaviness of living behind a lie. Only you can decide to stop.
“Slow and steady wins the race.” Translation: Change isn’t fast. Consistency matters more than perfection.
“Hand wash hand, and hand wash face.” Translation: Mutual accountability and community help. You don’t do this alone.
When You Fail (And You Will)
You will slip back into old patterns. You’ll lie when you didn’t mean to. You’ll be self-centered when you meant to be empathetic. That’s not failure—that’s the process.
When it happens:
1. Notice it without shame
2. Acknowledge it to someone if appropriate
3. Understand what triggered it
4. Adjust your approach
5. Try again
Caribbean Proverb:
“It no set in stone.”
Translation: You’re not locked into these patterns forever. Change is possible.
A Final Word
Compulsive lying and narcissistic behavior are protective mechanisms that once served you. They kept you safe or helped you survive. But they’re not serving you anymore. They’re isolating you, destroying your relationships, and keeping you from being genuinely known.
Change is possible
Not because you’re bad and need to become good, but because you’re human and capable of growing.
You can build a life where:
• You don’t have to keep track of lies
• People believe you when you speak
• You can be known and accepted for who you really are
• Your relationships are real, not performed
• You feel genuinely at peace
That life starts with one honest decision: I’m going to change.
The rest is practice.
With belief in your capacity for transformation,
From a place of Caribbean truth-telling and resilience
Quick Reference: When You’re Struggling
When you want to lie:
• Pause for 5 seconds
• Ask what you’re afraid of
• Tell the partial truth or ask for time
• Remember the cost of the lie
When you’re tempted to avoid accountability:
• Say the truth out loud first
• Remember who’s been hurt
• Ask what they needed from you
• Do the right thing even if it’s uncomfortable
When you don’t feel empathy:
• Imagine yourself in their position
• Remember, their life continues outside of how they relate to you
• Practice listening without defending
• Recognize that lack of empathy is a skill you can rebuild
When you feel shame about your patterns:
• This means you have a conscience
• Use the shame as motivation, not punishment
• Remember you’re changing, not staying stuck
• Keep going
Your integrity is worth building. Your relationships are worth saving. You are worth the effort.