Life Shuffle – By Phoenix Rising
Hello empresses, and welcome back to another blog segment where we delve into the randomness of life, with a touch of humor sprinkled on top, because, honestly, if we don’t laugh, we’ll cry.
The Shuffle Challenge
Alright, let’s do a little experiment together. Everyone, pull out your music list on your tablets, iPhones, iPods, flip phones (yes, I see you, old-school folks still holding on to that T-Mobile Sidekick), or whatever device you’re using to keep your sanity intact, and hit the shuffle button.
Go ahead, I’ll wait.
A random song started to play, correct? Maybe it’s your jam, perhaps it’s that one song you forgot you even downloaded, or maybe—if you’re anything like me—it’s that gospel song your mama put on your playlist when she borrowed your phone at church that one time. Now, hit the forward button to play the next song. Got it? Cool. Now, hit the back button so the previous song can play again, and then hit the next button again.
Did the same song play again?
No? Of course not, unless you have some supernatural DJ powers I’m not aware of.
And if it DID play the same song? You’re one hell of a DJ, lmao, and you need to teach me your ways because that’s some wizard-level music control right there.
Life is Like a Music Playlist
Here’s where I’m going with this, empresses. Life is like a music playlist. You can either listen to the same playlist over and over again in order—knowing precisely what’s coming next, every beat, every word, every emotion—or you can hit shuffle and let the songs surprise you as you go. Some surprises will be beautiful, like when that song you forgot about comes on and suddenly you’re transported back to a happy memory. Other surprises will be jarring, like when you’re vibing to Beyoncé and suddenly heavy metal starts blasting through your speakers, and you’re left wondering how that even got on your playlist in the first place.
Life is in an automatic default shuffle mode because, let’s be real, you never know what will happen and in what order it will occur. You can pre-plan events in your head just as I do every single day—and trust me, I do. I’m an overthinker at heart. I try to pre-plan events in my head
and play out every possible scenario, calculating every potential outcome, rehearsing conversations that haven’t happened yet, preparing for situations that may never occur, all to ensure I’m never caught off guard.
I’ll literally lie in bed at night thinking, “Okay, so if this person says this, I’ll say that. However, if they respond with this, then I’ll counter with that. And if they bring up that old thing from three years ago, I’ll hit them with the facts and—” Y’all, my brain doesn’t shut off. It’s exhausting, but it’s how I operate. It’s my defense mechanism, my way of trying to control the uncontrollable.
But here’s the kicker: Life, on the other hand, has a funny sense of humor that likes to catch us completely off guard, essentially putting our life events on shuffle mode just when we think we’ve got it all figured out.
When Life Hits Shuffle
You know what I’m talking about. You wake up one morning with your whole day planned out. You know what you’re going to wear, what you’re going to eat, who you’re going to see, and what you’re going to accomplish. You’ve got your mental playlist set to “repeat” because you like your routine, your control, your predictability.
And then BOOM—life hits that shuffle button without asking for your permission.
Maybe you get a phone call that changes everything. Perhaps someone walks out of your life unexpectedly. Maybe you end up somewhere you never thought you’d be (hi, speaking from experience here as I write this from inside a facility). Maybe your car breaks down, your babysitter cancels, your job lets you go, your relationship falls apart, or—plot twist—something AMAZING happens that you never saw coming.
Life doesn’t ask if you’re ready. It doesn’t give you a heads-up. It doesn’t send you a courtesy text saying, “Hey, I’m about to shuffle things up, so hold on tight.” Nah, life just presses that button and watches you scramble to adjust.
And let me tell you something, empresses—the only thing you can do when your life shuffles out of your control is to go with the flow.
You Can’t Rewind What’s Already Happened
Here’s a hard truth I’ve learned during my time in here: You can’t change what has already happened. Trust me, I’ve tried. I’ve replayed scenarios in my head a thousand times, thinking about all the things I should’ve done differently, all the choices I wish I could take back, all the words I wish I could unsay. But no matter how many times I hit that mental “back” button, the past stays exactly where it is—in the past.
But what you CAN do is calculate your next move, knowing full well that even your best calculations might not give you the outcome you want because, ultimately, the result is out of your control.
Think about it like this: You might be listening to your favorite song right now—let’s say it’s “Formation” by Beyoncé because, hello, that’s everyone’s favorite song—and you’re feeling yourself, singing every word, completely in your zone. Then you hit the forward button, and the next song is something equally fire, like “Alright” by Kendrick Lamar, and you’re thinking, “Okay, this playlist is PERFECT right now.”
But when you go back to the previous song, thinking you’re about to hear “Formation” again, guess what? The shuffle gods have decided you’re now listening to “Baby Shark” because your kids hijacked your playlist last month, and you forgot to delete it.
Wait, did that just get too real for all the parents out there? My bad, lmao. Expect the Unexpected
So, you should be prepared to hear a different song and accept the outcome. That’s the lesson, empresses. Be ready for the shuffle. Accept that the same action, the same choice, the same attempt might give you a completely different result the second time around.
Every event, whether you repeat it or not, will have a different result each time. AND… EVERY… TIME.
You could text the same person with the same message on two different days and get completely different responses. You could walk into a job interview with the same qualifications, the same outfit, the same energy, but the interviewer could be having a bad day, and suddenly you don’t get the job. You could try to fix a relationship using the same apology, the same flowers, the same promises, but if the timing is different, the outcome will be different.
That’s the beauty and the frustration of life’s shuffle mode. Nothing is guaranteed to repeat the same way twice.
My Personal Shuffle Story
Let me share something personal with y’all. Before I got locked up, I was living my life like I had it all figured out. I thought I knew the playlist—I thought I knew exactly which songs were coming next and in what order. I had plans for my kids, plans for my future, plans for my relationships. I had it all mapped out in my head. And then life hit shuffle.
One decision, one moment, one mistake, and suddenly my entire playlist changed. Songs I never wanted to hear started playing—loneliness, regret, separation from my babies, shame, guilt.
Songs I thought would play forever suddenly stopped—freedom, spontaneity, the ability to hug my kids whenever I wanted.
At first, I fought against it. I refused to accept the shuffle. I kept hitting that “back” button in my mind, trying to return to the life I had before, trying to undo what was done. But you can’t go back, empresses. That’s not how life’s playlist works.
Eventually, I had to learn to go with the flow. I had to accept that my life had shuffled into something I didn’t plan for, something I didn’t want, something I had to navigate anyway. And you know what? Amidst songs I didn’t want to hear, I found some unexpected gems.
I found my voice through writing. I found strength I didn’t know I had. I found clarity about who I am and who I want to be. I found the ability to mother my children from behind walls, to love them harder from a distance, and to teach them resilience by showing them I could survive.
Those weren’t songs I would’ve chosen for my playlist, but they’re part of my album now, and they’ve made me who I am.
The Hardest Song to Face: Accountability
Now, before I get into how to dance through life’s shuffle, I need to talk about something that isn’t funny, something that doesn’t have a punchline, something I can’t make light of—and that’s accountability.
When life shuffled my playlist into incarceration, it wasn’t just MY life that got disrupted. It was my kids’ lives. My family’s lives. The lives of people who trusted me, depended on me, and loved me. And that’s the part that haunts me in the quiet moments when I can’t distract myself with humor or metaphors.
Here’s the raw truth, empresses: Sometimes life doesn’t just shuffle on its own. Sometimes WE press the shuffle button through our choices, our actions, our mistakes. And when we do that, we don’t just change our own playlist—we also mess with other people’s music.
My actions caused people I love great emotional pain. My kids have emotional scars from my absence. They’ve had to explain to their friends why mommy isn’t at the school play, why I can’t come to their birthday parties, and why they have to visit me in a place with guards and metal detectors. That’s on me. I can’t shuffle that away. I can’t hit the back button and undo the hurt I’ve caused.
My family has carried the weight of what happened. They’ve had to pick up the pieces, answer the hard questions, fill the gaps I left behind. They’ve experienced shame, disappointment, and pain because of the choices I made—no amount of “going with the flow” changes that reality.
And you know what? I had to sit with that. I had to stop making excuses, stop blaming circumstances, and stop acting like life just randomly shuffled me into this situation without my participation. I had to look in the mirror—literally and figuratively—and say, “Phoenix, you
caused this. You hurt people. You broke trust. You created chaos in the lives of people who didn’t deserve it.”
That’s the accountability part that nobody wants to talk about because it’s uncomfortable. It’s easier to focus on the “life is random” narrative, the “things happen” philosophy, the “we’re all just trying to survive” mentality. But real growth, real change, real redemption starts with admitting that sometimes we’re the ones who pressed shuffle on other people’s lives without their permission. I accept that. I own that. And I carry that responsibility every single day.
The emotional scars I’ve caused don’t just disappear because I’ve learned some lessons or written some inspiring words. Those scars are real, and they’re lasting. My kids will remember this time. My family will place the burden. The people I hurt will remember the pain. And I must live with that knowledge while also working every day to become someone worthy of their forgiveness, even if that forgiveness is never granted.
So yes, life shuffles. But let’s be honest—sometimes we’re the DJs making terrible decisions about what songs to play next. And when that happens, we owe it to ourselves and everyone affected to face the music, accept responsibility, and commit to never pressing those same destructive buttons again.
How to Dance to Life’s Shuffle
So, how do we live in a state of constant change without losing our minds? Here’s what I’ve learned at 26 years old, sitting in this facility, with two kids counting on me to come out of this stronger than I went in, and with the weight of accountability pushing me to be better:
Accept what you can’t control.
The shuffle button is always active. You can’t turn it off. You can only decide how you respond when the song changes.
Stay flexible
When the music shifts, don’t freeze. Adjust your dance. Find the rhythm in the new song, even if it’s not your favorite genre.
Keep your favorite songs ready
Hold onto the people, the memories, the values that matter most. Those are the songs you can always return to when everything else feels chaotic.
Don’t be afraid of the unknown tracks
Some of the best experiences in life come from songs we didn’t know we needed to hear. Stay open.
Make your own remixes
Even when life shuffles things out of order, you still have creative control over how you interpret the music. You can take a sad song and find a lesson in it. You can transform a challenging moment into a powerful testimony.
The Final Note
Life is always going to be on shuffle, empresses. There’s no pause button, no repeat option that works the way we want it to, and definitely no skip button for the hard stuff. But here’s the good news: you’re the DJ of your attitude, your response, your resilience.
The playlist might change without warning, but how do you dance to the music? That’s entirely up to you.
So, when life shuffles your plans, your relationships, your circumstances, your entire world—and trust me, it will—remember that you have two choices: you can sit there frustrated that the song changed, or you can find the beat in the new track and keep moving.
Me? I’m choosing to keep dancing. Even from in here, even with everything I’ve lost and everything I’m working to rebuild, I’m still finding the rhythm. Because at the end of the day, every song on the playlist—good or bad—is part of my story. And I’m determined to make it a story worth listening to.
So, hit shuffle on your life, empresses. Embrace the randomness. Accept the surprises. And keep dancing, no matter what song plays next.
With love and rhythm,
Phoenix Rising
Mother. Writer. Overthinker. Professional Life Shuffler.
P.S. If “Baby Shark” is still on your playlist and you’re not a parent, we need to have a serious conversation about your music choices, lmao. Just saying.