A Message to My Mom – by Phoenix Rising
Dear Mom,
Let me start by saying thank you for all the sacrifices, and I’m sorry for being an ungrateful brat about it. I held a grudge against you for years—many, many MANY years— because I always had it in my mind that you didn’t care about me. I always felt like the odd one out because I grew up a million miles away from you.
Then, coming to live with you finally was completely the opposite of what I was hoping. You were always at work and barely home. I really thought you were avoiding me for whatever reason. Of course, being 10 years old, I didn’t understand that it was the only way I could wake up with those $10 bills in front of my bedroom door. That’s how I was able to buy my snacks and hot chips before and after school. Those small moments—seeing that money there, knowing you thought of me even when you weren’t there—they meant more than I realized back then.
It honestly took me 15 years to understand what a single mother’s life entails. Being around many women who have taken the time to mentor me, I’ve learned that I was ungrateful for crying about my mom not being there to coddle me, when I had hot water, a roof, and a meal in front of me every night. Those conversations hurt, but they opened my eyes. I decided to take all of these lessons so that I could heal my own wounds.
As a single parent, you did what was best for your children, which was to work and provide for them. The more I learn about our Caribbean roots, the more I realize that most West Indian parents never had affection shown to them growing up. In psychology, it has been proven to be challenging to reciprocate something you never learned, especially emotional expressions. You gave what you could with what you had, and now I see that clearly.
No matter how much we fight (not literally) and argue, I always have that soft spot for you as my mother and my queen. Also, to save me the time and frustration, I can stop looking for the cookie-baking mom because that’s not you—you are the griyo and pickliz-making mama… just spicy! Additionally, we share the same zodiac sign, so I know we are likely to clash.
I forgive myself. I chose to self-heal my wounds by reflecting on all the good and all the sacrifices you made for me.
Mom, you gave me more than enough. You gave me survival skills, independence, and a fighting spirit. You showed me what it means to stand on my own two feet when the world tries to knock me down. I’m a mother now, too, and I finally understand the weight you carried. The sleepless nights, the double shifts, the worry that never goes away. I see you now in a way I couldn’t before.
Empresses you only get one mom Instead of looking at the bad things or the voids that your parents left, think about the good that they did, especially your mom.—no matter how much you can’t stand her or she gets on your nerves—she is your mom, and she won’t be here forever, so make peace while she is here. Every mom wants to hear that what they did was enough, because that’s what they were reaching for… just enough.
I’m not where I want to be right now, but I’m working on rising from these ashes. Just like you taught me—even when you didn’t say the words out loud. Phoenix Rising isn’t just a name I chose; it’s what we do. It’s what you did. And it’s what I’m going to keep doing for my babies, the way you did for me.
I love you, Mom. Always have, always will.
Your daughter, Phoenix Rising