Y’all ever have those moments where you look back at your teenage self and want to grab her by the shoulders and shake some sense into her? Well, buckle up, buttercups, because we’re about to take a trip down memory lane with Teenage Phoenix—and honey, she was a HOT MESS.
The Thoughts That Haunted Me
Picture this: a young girl standing at life’s crossroads, heart pounding, palms sweaty, with thoughts racing through her mind like a NASCAR driver on Red Bull:
“I really don’t want to do what they do, but if I don’t, I won’t fit in.”
“Maybe if I smoke this one time, that will be enough to be accepted.”
“What if I told him that I’m not ready and I don’t want to—would he still love me?”
“Yeah, I do want to help her, but if I don’t laugh and shun her, then I’ll be the one to be in her
place, and I’m not strong enough for that.”
And you know what I did with all these thoughts burning through my mind? Absolutely NOTHING. I stayed silent, knowing it was all wrong, watching my moral compass spin like a broken GPS while I pretended everything was fine.
These thoughts burned through my MIND yet were frozen in TIME. Not once did I think about what it meant when I said yes, knowing they had me over a barrel. All those years of saying yes, yes, yes just to come back as everyone’s second best. And where did that lead me? Right here behind bars, carrying around 10 years’ worth of emotional scars like designer baggage I never wanted to own.
The First Act of Rebellion
But here’s where the story gets spicy, dolls. My first act of bravery happened at the age of 20 when I stood on 10 tiptoes to push out my baby. Baby daddy kept telling me to abort, but I said not a f*ck of that, and baby girl is turning out to be my main support.
Can we pause for a moment and appreciate the irony here? All those years, I couldn’t say no to peer pressure, couldn’t stand up to mean girls, couldn’t find my voice when it mattered—but when it came to protecting my unborn child? BOOM. Phoenix found her roar.
I finally listened to myself and God, not knowing 6 years later that the person everyone thought I would be better without is one of the three people I can’t live without. Funny how life works. The very decision that made people shake their heads and whisper behind their hands became my most significant source of strength.
Divine GPS: When God Has Other Plans
Now, let me tell you something about God’s GPS—it’s got some seriously questionable routing. You can take alternate routes and all the shortcuts that you want, but when God has a plan for your life, the only thing that can take you off it is death. His navigation system makes zero sense to us humans, but apparently, He knows what He’s doing.
Have you ever been in a situation and it seemed as though you can’t escape it for the life of you? That’s because God leads us down specific paths that we don’t want to go down. After all, it’s usually when we are down and out that we call upon Him. Those are the paths that lead you to finding your purpose—though I gotta say, His route planning could use some work. A little heads-up would be nice, you know?
Growing up, I had to be around people I didn’t care for, as it showed me from the inner circle what it feels like to reject others, as well as feel rejected. Let me tell you that neither of those options felt good. I did it for a temporary satisfaction of feeling accepted—not even genuine acceptance, just the knock-off version you get at the dollar store.
Maybe they thought I wasn’t giving it my all to be one of them, and let me just set the record straight: I really didn’t like them; I was just afraid of them. The mean girls are what I called them because that’s what they were—just loud and constantly seeking attention. After all, nobody wanted to be around them naturally. You know the type: always causing drama because, after all, negative attention is still attention, right?
It’s the quiet ones who are usually the kindest and truly the real. But teenage Phoenix? She was
too busy trying to run with wolves when she was born to soar with eagles.
My Blessing and My Curse
Fast forward to prison life, and guess what? My people-pleasing tendencies followed me right through those steel bars. My weakness is when it comes to helping someone in need, whether it’s financial, materialistic, or just lending a listening ear. Trust me, it’s a blessing and a curse all in one, especially when you are incarcerated.
There are some people who, even in dire need, would rather go without than ask for help. Those are the ones who used to come and offer to wash my sheets, clothes, fix my bed, and clean my tennis shoes. I respect the ones who hustle rather than the ones who, every time you pull out your locker, come begging you for a noodle like ants on crumbs. Seriously, some of these women could sense a commissary purchase from three cells away!
Most of the time, I would decline their offer because the other “High rollers” would treat them as though they were enslaved, and I didn’t want to add to that. Now, if I had a hot date at VP (that’s visitation for y’all civilians) with my hubby, then you know I’d pay for my boots to get shined or my white tennis shoes to get deep cleaned. A girl’s gotta look good for her man, even in prison oranges!
Other than that, I did all my laundry on my own and also made my own bed. Yeah, I’d get that done as well, because bending down to fix those low beds was a workout on its own. Being 26 doesn’t mean anything when you’ve gotten 2 C-sections and epidurals. My back was NOT having it.
Prison Economics 101: High Rollers and Hustle
Oh, I’m sorry, you’re probably still stuck on the “high rollers” part. Let me break down prison economics for you real quick. The high rollers are the cartels of the compound, and the big canteen spenders—”shop out” folks such as myself. The high rollers are individuals who can afford to be catered to, if we choose to.
I personally don’t care to be catered to because none of us who wear the same uniforms are above each other. We are already slaves to the system, so why add to it? That’s like being on the Titanic and arguing about who gets the better deck chair while the ship is sinking. We’re all in the same boat, literally and figuratively.
Biblical Wisdom Meets Street Smarts
Proverbs 22:9 says, “Blessed are those who are generous because they feed the poor.” Proverbs 19:17 says, “If you help the poor, you are lending to the Lord, and He will repay you.” With that being said, if I can afford to give a person who needs hygiene or a meal for the night, then I will do it without an issue.
In the prison world, when you have no support from the outside, it does make the journey tougher, and sleeping hungry or walking around with an odor isn’t the most pleasant scenario. Trust me, nobody wants to be the funky friend—that’s a reputation that follows you everywhere.
On the other hand, throughout Proverbs, it also says, “Do not be a fool.” So I always drew the line when people came and gave me a sob story so that they could go and buy things from the cartel or pay off their debts. Trust me, it has happened before, and they got cursed out each
time… I’M HOLY WITH A SPRINKLE OF HOOD.
Story Time: The Audacity Chronicles
Let me tell you about this one woman who had the AUDACITY to test my kindness. This lady came and said to me that she hadn’t eaten all day, and she was hungry, so could she borrow a soup and a chip, along with something sweet? I’m like, “Umm, do you want a bottle of wine to
go with that?” She was asking me for a whole three-course meal, as if I were running a prison restaurant!
But whatever, I gave it to her because I believed her sob story. I kid you not, I didn’t even close my locker yet, and she handed all three items to the cartel for an exchange. THE AUDACITY! The absolute unmitigated GALL!
I went 0 to 100 REAL QUICK and said, “Aye, I know you didn’t just use my food as a payment to get high!!” She was stuck looking stupid, so I helped her out by saying, “You will never be able to get anything else from me again for lying, so you better hope one day you aren’t hungry.” Then I walked away like the queen I am.
Finding My Voice Behind Bars
Standing up for yourself in a place like prison can be intimidating at first, but if you never do, trust me, you will be perceived as the weak link for the rest of your sentence. And honey, being the weak link in prison is like wearing a “kick me” sign, except the kicks are a lot more than just playground teasing.
Yes, what she did was wrong, but I didn’t allow the action of one individual to change my heart and rob the next person of the blessing that God had in store for them. See, that’s growth right there. Old Phoenix would have shut down completely, built walls higher than the prison ones, and never helped anyone again. But new Phoenix? She learned to discern without becoming cynical.
Prison has taken its toll on me, but now, having the age and courage to say yes or no in my favor outweighs all the negativity. It’s funny—it took being locked up to learn how to set boundaries finally. God really does have a sense of humor, doesn’t He?
The Revelation That Changed Everything
I learned that all along, I didn’t need the acceptance of the girls from school, nor the fake love from the boys at school. I just needed the courage to say those 3 and 4 words: “I AM ENOUGH” and “MY INTENTIONS ARE PURE.”
Let me tell you, those words hit different when you finally believe them. It’s like putting on glasses for the first time and realizing you’ve been walking around half-blind. Suddenly, everything becomes crystal clear.
My kind heart never made me weak; it was the fear of disappointing others that weakened me. All those years I thought my kindness was my weakness, when really it was my superpower—I didn’t know how to use it properly. I was like Superman trying to fly before I learned I could leap tall buildings in a single bound.
The Truth About Love and Acceptance
Not doing what makes me happy only affects the people who rely on me. When you’re constantly bending yourself into pretzels trying to please everyone else, you end up being no good to the people who actually matter—including yourself.
People who LOVE you will accept you for you, and they won’t make you conform to their lifestyle because it’s your life, and THEY SHOULD WANT TO LIVE IN IT! Real love doesn’t require you to dim your light or change your frequency. Real love says, “I see you exactly as you are, and that’s exactly who I want to be around.”
The Phoenix Rises
So here I am, writing to you from behind these walls, having finally learned the lessons that teenage Phoenix needed to hear. Sometimes the longest journey is the one from your head to your heart, and sometimes that journey takes you through some dark and treacherous places.
But you know what? I wouldn’t change it. Every “yes” I should have said “no” to, every time I stayed silent when I should have spoken up, every moment I chose fear over faith—it all led me here, to this moment, where I can finally say with complete confidence: I AM ENOUGH.
And if you’re reading this, struggling with your own people-pleasing tendencies, your own fear of disappointing others, your own journey to find your voice—know that you are enough, too. You always have been. You just needed someone to remind you.
Sometimes God’s GPS takes us through the scenic route—and by scenic, I mean the route that looks like it’s going straight through hell. But that’s where we learn who we really are. That’s where we discover our strength. That’s where we find our voice.
And once you find it? Honey, there’s no stopping you.
Welcome to the rise of Phoenix. Welcome to the power of knowing your worth. Welcome to the beautiful, messy, complicated journey of learning to love yourself exactly as you are.
I AM ENOUGH. Say it with me. MY INTENTIONS ARE PURE. Louder for the people in the back. I AM EXACTLY WHERE I NEED TO BE.
Now that’s what I call a glow-up, even from behind bars.
“Phoenix Rising continues to share her journey of transformation and self-discovery through
Unapologetically Caged, proving that sometimes our greatest lessons come from our darkest
moments. Her story reminds us that it’s never too late to find your voice, set your boundaries,
and declare your worth to the world.”